[Slug]
   If I was a rich man
   I'd buy you some shoes
   Tall boots for all the dirt you walk through
   What would that do?
   Enable you to deal
   Without schooling you on how to touch what's real
   And if I was a smart man
   I'd tell you everything that I knew
   And give it to you every time you need a talking to
   But what would that do?
   Teach you my guidelines
   So you can be a cheerleader at your game on the sidelines
   And if I was a driver
   I'd keep my headlights on
   To see the difference between right and wrong
   I'd wear my seatbelt even when I'm in park
   Cause I don't trust the other fools that cruise through these parts
   And if I was a better cook
   I'd hook up a feast
   Set a table full of food for the children to eat
   I encourage the nourishment so we can breathe
   With the knowledge that we got something accomplished
  
   Chorus:
   And if I was Santa Claus, I'd fight for the cause
   Wouldn't expect nothing in return
   I'd give you everything you want, I'd be everything you need
   So you can take my hand and I can take the lead
  
   And if I was an honest man
   I would stop writing songs
   I'd break for a nervous breakdown for breakfast
   Tell everyone I knew to stay away from making music
   It ain't nothing but a confusing mess (confusing mess)
   And if I was you, I wouldn't hear a word I said
   Wouldn't trust nothing to start it up inside my head
   I'd make a conscious effort to live instead
   Of trying to kill the monsters that reside underneath the bed
   And if I was a hurt man
   I'd find a way to put my faith
   Into a woman that could take me from today
   Maybe
   I need somebody that could save me
   From the parts of myself that keep making me crazy
   And if I was a wise man
   I'd climb to the top of the mountain peak
   To think about strength versus weakness
   I'd find a point that rests a couple of feet above your head
   And figure out how I could try to help you reach it
   (Ho ho ho)
   And if I did have a choice
   I'd never want to live forever
   Just let me have a voice so I can make my points
   I can't imagine running a race with no finish line
   Just let me keep my pace and make to most of my time
   I love giving but I'm bad at receiving
   The truth is, I'd prefer to be the one bleeding
   But I'm a paranoid that stays between play and work
   Cautious and aware, 'cause I'm afraid of being hurt
   Which brings me to the issue
   And that would be this:
   How often must I ask myself why I exist?
   I feel like a freak, this world is a circus
   Just trying to find myself as well as my purpose
  
   Chorus:
   And if I was Santa Claus, I'd fight for the cause
   Wouldn't expect nothing in return
   I'd give you everything you want, I'd be everything you need
   And you can take my hand and I can take the lead (2x)
  
   I got nothing but gifts
   Keep it up in my wits
   Got me drunk on the fifth
   And now we're stuck in a ditch
   And as dumb as it gets
   I'mma run you some feebs (?)
   I wanna touch your lips
   I wanna rub your hips
   Put a glove on the fist
   For the love that exists
   We'll keep bumping the hits
   To get my bucket of chips
   From the Bloods and the Crips
   To the skateboarding chicks
   Put the Atmosphere on your Christmas wishlist (2x)
   (Ho ho ho ho)